


The Man With The Bag

by nerdcredred, Ocelot_l



Series: Lifetimes [53]
Category: Atop the Fourth Wall, That Guy with the Glasses/Channel Awesome
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 15:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9330974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdcredred/pseuds/nerdcredred, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ocelot_l/pseuds/Ocelot_l
Summary: The desire to help his friends has led to Linkara having the busiest Christmas Eve ever. With the help of Pollo, can he make it to every engagement before running out of steam?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: This fic has been uploaded WITH PERMISSION from ocelot_l. She is the sole writer of this story. Written for the Secret Treehouse 2016 Secret Santa.
> 
> Lifetimes can also be found on my Dreamwidth at http://nerdcredred.dreamwidth.org/.
> 
> Author's Notes: Sorry this is a bit late! I hope you had a wonderful holiday and will enjoy this festive tale of one comic reviewer, his robot, and his friends!
> 
> Disclaimer: We do not own the shows, the characters, or the people who portray them. These stories are meant as a work of fiction and fall under fair use. Please support the creators by watching their videos, letting their ads play, buying their DVDs and merchandise, and/or contributing to their Patreons. "The Man With the Bag" is performed by Lee Ann Womack.

"How does this look?"

"Like Santa got caught in a shredder."

Linkara sighed as he unhooked the decoration from the ceiling fan before carrying it over to the kitchen counter to see if there was anyway to repair the torn strips of paper. Normally he would have been searching through his spell book for some method of magical repair, but Viga was watching him carefully from across the room, and she was not exactly the biggest fan of sorcery and spells.

"Do you have any glue or tape I could use for this?"

Viga nodded. "Sure do. Just wait one minute and I'll be right back."

Once she was gone, Linkara turned to Pollo, who was also studying the damaged decoration.

"You know what to do, right?"

"You mean going against the wishes of our gracious landlady, who really should have thrown us out after we brought evil spirits into her house, and look for a spell that can do the same job as a piece of tape?" Pollo asked.

"Yep!"

"If I were capable of giving you a disapproving look right now, I would be."

Linkara rolled his eyes. "Come on, Pollo, I'm not trying to create a weapon or change the very fabric of the universe here. I'm just trying to fix these Christmas decorations so I can make the place a little brighter and warmer for everyone. After what we've all been through, it's the least we all deserve."

To say this year had been difficult for Linkara and his team would be an understatement. Aside from the usual attacks by monster, villains, and belligerent ghosts, they'd also suffered the tragic loss of Comicron-1 thanks to Vyce's machinations. The biggest blow of all though, came when the landlord to Linkara's old apartment building had suddenly raised his rent so high that Linkara was unwilling, and pretty much unable, to pay it. Even though Harvey had offered to help with the exorbitant fees, Linkara had refused his offer whole-heartedly.

\-----

_"I have the money, Kid, it's really not that big a deal."_

_"That's not the point, Harvey. If we pay him off this time, who knows how much he'll ask for next time? We can't let him take advantage of us like this."_

_"But Kid, if we don't pay he's gonna kick us out."_

_"I know. I'll try to negotiate with him one more time, but if it doesn't work, we're going to have to look for a new place to live._

\-----

This was how the team had ended up renting a few rooms from Viga. She didn't live far from their old building, so their daily routines were not disrupted as much as they could have been, but the change had still been rather hard on them all. This was why Linkara was spending his Friday evening trying to decorate the house instead of going out or doing something fun. As he clasped his hands together and shot Pollo a look of desperation, the robot let out a blast of warm air, which was his approximation of a sigh.

"Alright, I'll help," Pollo acquiesced, hovering up into the air. "But if Viga finds out, I'm telling her I was bound by Asimov's laws to obey your every command."

"You have free will and you know it!" Linkara called out as the little blue robot disappeared.

Deciding to give up on the shredded Santa for now, Linkara started to untangle the massive string of lights which would eventually adorn the Christmas tree he'd purchased that morning. It was quite an undertaking and required Linkara to sit down on the couch, working slowly to unravel a tangle so strong it would have put the Gordian knot to shame. Linkara soon became so absorbed in the task that he didn't even notice when Ninja-Style Dancer sat down beside him until he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Jeez! Don't do that!"

*Apologies. I didn't realize you hadn't noticed my approach. With what I'm wearing, I thought everyone would hear my arrival."

Ninja pointed to the green elf hat settled atop his head, which was adorned with a golden bell which tinkled lightly whenever he moved.

Linkara let out a small smile when he saw it. "It's alright. I'm just glad you're getting into the holiday spirit."

*Indeed I am, which is why I've come to ask you a favor. Ted has decided to make a special holiday video and he was hoping you could come over tomorrow to film a cameo for it.*

"Oh, is this like when he reviewed those martial arts movies in the past?" Linkara wondered.

*Something like that. I promise you that it will not take long and you will be fully compensated with Ted's delicious fruitcake.*

Linkara tried not to let the disgust he suddenly felt become evident on his face as he nodded at Ninja.

"Sure, I think can stop by for a little while tomorrow, though I really don't need any compensation. I'm happy to help out a friend."

Ninja's eyes crinkled with delight. *Thank you, Linkara. Ted and I will never forget your kindness. I'll be sure to alert Pollo of this, so he can schedule it into your calendar.*

Ninja stood up then, earning a frown from Linkara.

"Wait, are you leaving? I was hoping you'd stick around and help get this place looking more festive."

*Sorry, I have plans, and I'll be spending the night at Ted's again, so you won't see me for the rest of the day* Ninja apologized. As if to make up for his departure, he took the tangled mass of lights from Linkara's lap and, after a few quick hand motions, most of which Linkara couldn't even see, he handed the completely untangled string of colored bulbs back to him.

"Hey, thanks," Linkara said, but Ninja had already vanished in a puff of smoke. Undeterred by his absence, Linkara carried the lights over to the tree and started to drape them over the branches. As he did, a buzzing in his pocket alerted him to the presence of a new text message.

"CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!"

"Damn it, Critic," Linkara muttered before tucking the phone back into his pocket. Every year, like clockwork, Nostalgia Critic lost his head when it came to his favorite time of year, and would text, tweet, email, call, and in anyway possible espouse his fondness for this holiday to anyone who had the misfortune of being on his contact list.

Linkara tried once more to focus on the tree, but his phone started to vibrate again almost immediately. And again. And again and again and again, until Linkara grabbed for his phone in a highly aggravated manner and turned around, fully intending to chuck the device into a wall.

"I swear, one of these days I am going to-"

_Hello!_

"Boffo!"

Surprised by the sudden appearance of the clown, Linkara's grip around his phone slackened and it fell toward the floor before he hastily managed to secure it once again.

_Sorry to have startled you, Linkara._

"I-It's alright, I just didn't know you were home. But hey, since you're here, want to help with the tree? I just about have the lights done, so next is garland and tinsel!"

 _I wish I could, but I'm afraid I have plans with Linksano and I must be off very soon,_ Boffo honked in apology. _Although perhaps I could break them if you are in need of assistance._

"No, there's no need for that," Linkara said with a shake of his head. "I can manage one little Christmas tree on my own. Although I wasn't on my own ten minutes ago," he muttered under his breath, wondering where his assistants had disappeared to.

_Alright, if you're certain. Oh, but before I leave, I was hoping I could ask for your help with something. ___

"Sure-" Linkara groaned when his phone started buzzing yet again and he quickly shoved it back into his pocket.

_Shouldn't you check that?_

"I know who it is and it's not important. What did you want my help with, Boffo?"

 _Well, since we're still new to the neighborhood, I was hoping to do a group activity that might help us get to know the people we're going to be living beside for the foreseeable future,_ Boffo started to explain.

As he honked, Linkara's phone continued to buzz and vibrate, distracting him terribly from what his friend was trying to say, though he did his best to look like he was paying attention at least.

 _And so, Linksano and I thought it would be nice to host a 'Twas the Night' caroling night with all the families of the neighborhood! We've already asked around and plenty have people have expressed interest in going out to sing with their children! I'm so excited by the idea of bringing everyone together during this magical time of year, but the only problem is that neither Linksano nor I are especially gifted when it comes to singing,_ Boffo admitted. _So we'd love it if you could come and lead the way for us, Linkara. Your voice is beautiful and you've never been one to shy away from the spotlight. I know this is short notice and you're probably very busy, but if you could just spare an hour or two for this, it would mean so much to us. What do you say? ___

"Huh? Oh, uh, yes, I-I would love to sing carols with you all," Linkara said, hoping he didn't sound as distracted as he felt.

 _Wonderful!_ Boffo wrapped his arms around Linkara and squeezed him tightly. _Thank you for agreeing to help us, Linkara. I know we'll all have a magical time together!_ Boffo giggled silently then when he felt Linkara's phone vibrate. _It seems as if someone is desperate to get in touch with you, so I'll leave you to this and go tell Linksano the good news!_

Once Boffo was gone, Linkara whipped out his phone, which had started ringing this time.

"Critic, I swear to God-"

"CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS!"

"I know it's Christmas, Critic! I don't need you constantly bombarding me with messages about how much you love Christmas!"

"CHRISTMAS! PARTY! CHRISTMAS! PARTY!"

"Is this your clever way of inviting me to a Christmas party? Because it's not clever at all, you jackass!"

"LINKARA! COME TO MY CHRISTMAS PARTY!"

"If I do, will you stop texting and calling me for the rest of the month?"

"YES!"

"Then fine, I'll come! And I'm holding you to your end of the bargain!"

A high-pitched squeal which caused Linkara to wince signified that the deal was complete, so he quickly hung.

"Damn it, I should have tried for a year. Critic was so wound up he would have gone for it." Muttering in annoyance about his boss/friend, Linkara turned to toss his phone onto the couch; as he did, he almost spun directly into 90s Kid.

"Ah! Jeez, what is with everyone sneaking up on me today?" Linkara asked, putting one hand over his heart.

"Sorry, dude."

"No-no, it's fine. I just didn't expect to see you here. It's been a while."

While Viga was a kind and fun-loving woman who did her best to make the newcomers feel welcome in her home, her aversion to magic was something of a challenge for them all to live with. Linksano kept most of his inventions down in the basement, which Viga had allowed him to turn into a makeshift lab until they rebuilt their spaceship, and Linkara only tried out spells when she was out of the house. Unfortunately, this meant he was unable to create additional bedrooms for the team and they were forced to share the three Linkara had rented from Viga.

Linkara and Harvey had taken the first room, finding it awkward but otherwise decent enough to live in for a few months; Linksano and Boffo had taken the second room and seemed happy enough to still be together, even if they couldn't display or easily access all of their things in the smaller room. The third room went to Ninja-Style Dancer and 90s Kid, however, who were not the closest of friends and held enough differences that sharing a small space was a frustrating endeavor for both of them. They tried their best to put up with it, but ended up spending more and more time away from the house, presumably with their boyfriends.

"Yeah, I guess it has," 90s Kid said, glancing over at the half-decorated tree but choosing not to comment on it. "Uh, is Harvey-dude here?"

"No, he's not supposed to be back from tour until Christmas day," Linkara replied as he opened a box filled with strands of shiny tinsel.

"Oh." He sounded so disappointed that Linkara looked at him in concern.

"Is there something wrong? Because I can call him if you really need him."

"No, it's just... I was gonna invite him to Dan's Christmas Eve party," 90s Kid explained.  
"Dan's really excited about it and he wants a lotta guests, but if Harvey's not here, I guess that's that."

He turned to leave and for some reason Linkara felt himself saying, "If you're looking for guests, I can come."

90s Kid looked at him in surprise. "You will? You'd really wanna come without Harvey?"

"Hey, Dan and I might not be the best of friends but I will admit that he hosts a good party," Linkara said with a smile. He knew how hard all the changes had been on 90s Kid, so if he could do something to help lift the teen's holiday spirit, then spending a few hours with Dan and his drunk friends were worth it.

"Wow. Thanks dude." 90s Kid smiled back at him. "This is gonna mean so much to him."

"Happy to help," Linkara dismissed. "And speaking of help, I could use a bit with these ornaments."

"Sorry, man, but I gotta get back to Dan's and help prep for the party," 90s Kid said as he pulled out his teleporter. "It's gonna be totally awesome, so prepare yourself to have the best time ever!"

"I will definitely prepare," Linkara called out to 90s Kid as he disappeared, waiting until he vanished before finishing his thought, "the strongest drink I can handle."

"I don't even want to know what your level of alcohol tolerance has become," Pollo said as he floated back over to Linkara.

"Where have you been?" Linkara frowned when he realized Pollo was not carrying his Grimoire. "And where's my book?"

"I've been stuck watching the Christmas episodes of that horse cartoon Viga is so fond of," Pollo explained. "I only managed to slip away when she left to make popcorn."

"Oh, so that's why she never came back. Eh, whatever, I'll find a better decoration to hang up than this tattered old thing."

"Linkara, I don't know how you do it."

"How I manage to pull off being a Champion of Earth, the host of a highly successful internet review show, and a rakishly handsome and charming person in general while not letting my vast success get to my head?" Linkara asked with a smug smile. "You know, I don't know how I do it either, Pollo."

"I meant how you plan to attend four different events in four different locations tomorrow, several of which overlap each other."

Linkara blinked a few times before setting down the golden star he'd planned to set on top of the tree.

"Run that by me again, Pollo?"

"Well, I overheard you agreeing to attend 80s Dan's party just now, and I'd previously been told by Ninja-Style Dancer and Boffo that you're doing activities with them, also taking place tomorrow, and I've been inundated with messages by the Nostalgia Critic proclaiming you will be attending his 24-hour Christmas bash, which should just be starting up in a few hours."

"I see." Linkara proceeded to walk over to the nearest wall and started bashing his head against it.

"Linkara, I really don't think that's the most productive way to figure out this mess," Pollo said. "If I had arms I'd pull you away from there, but since I don't, can you just do it yourself?"

"Ohhhh, why do these things always happen to me?" Linkara moaned, resting his slightly sore forehead against the cool white drywall.

"Didn't you realize everything you agreed to do was happening on the same day?"

"Clearly I didn't," Linkara muttered, trying hard to restrain the frustration that was threatening to overwhelm him.

"Why did you even agree to do all of those things in the first place?" Pollo wondered as he landed gently on Linkara's shoulder. "I understand you wanting to placate the Nostalgia Critic, but the others would have understood if you'd turned them down."

"I know they would have, but... this year has just been really sucky, Pollo, and I thought if we could at least have some good times during the holidays it might make up for some of that, so I said yes to everybody. I know I should have thought things through a little more, but you know me, I'm impulsive."

Linkara let out a short laugh, which quickly morphed into a sigh.

"I guess now will be a good time to figure out who I'm going to disappoint next. Mind going over my schedule with me, Pollo?"

Instead of responding as expected, Pollo was uncharacteristically silent. Linkara waited a moment before touching the robot's head.

"Are you alright, Pollo? Do you need a re-charge or something?"

"No, I'm fine. Sorry to worry you, but I was just thinking about your schedule. If you're willing to give your all tomorrow, you might be able to do everything you've agreed to. It will take a lot of energy and a lot of determination, but I think you can pull it off."

"Really?" Linkara tapped his chin as he thought about it. "I'm not thrilled at the idea of running around all day tomorrow, but if it means helping the others feel better, then damn it, I'll do it."

"That's the Linkara I know and love," Pollo said, earning a fond pat from the man.

"Although doing it alone might be a tad tricky," Linkara said slowly, "and it'd be so much easier if I had an intelligent, loyal, incredible friend at my side to keep me on schedule."

"Do you really think flattery is going to help here? I'm much more open to bribes, you know."

"I'll give you a raise," Linkara quickly said. "And you can host another episode to discuss whatever comic you want."

"I want a whole mini-series worth of episodes," Pollo countered. "I've been coming up with a list of the best robots in comics and I'd like enough time to give each and every one of them the attention they deserve."

"A mini-series?! How many episodes will that require?"

"As many as necessary," Pollo replied. "That's the offer, Linkara, take it or leave it."  
Linkara groaned before nodding.

"Okay. Deal."

"Pleasure doing business with you."

As Linkara started grumbling under his breath about being taken advantage of by everyone he came across, Pollo checked the time.

"It's getting late, Linkara. You should get to bed soon if you want enough energy for tomorrow's festivities."

"But I'm not done with the tree yet." Linkara glanced at the half-decorated display before looking down to the many overstuffed boxes still littering the living room. "Eh, screw it. I doubt anyone will even be around to enjoy it anyway."

\----

Linkara woke up, showered, and finished breakfast before it was even nine o'clock. Normally he did not enjoy getting up this early, but every minute counted on this day and he did not want to waste any if he could help it.

"So, where are we going first?" he asked Pollo as he bundled up in his winter clothes.

"Since the Nostalgia Critic's party is running all day, I thought it'd be best to stop there for a decent amount of time before heading out. A few hours there should be sufficient to satisfy his desires."

"Let's hope so."

Linkara lifted up a large brown shoulder bag and slung it around his body. Once Pollo was resting on his shoulder, he teleported them both into the middle of Critic's living room, since breaking into his house unannounced was a time-honored tradition among the Channel Awesome crew, and quickly found himself smushed between two over-sized evergreen trees.

"Gah! Help!"

"Linkara! I'm glad you could make it!" Film Brain, who wore a red Santa cap and an over-sized red and green sweater, hurried over to help Linkara free himself from his sweetly-scented prison.

"Yeah, I wouldn't miss it for the world," Linkara muttered as he tried to brush off several pine needles which had embedded themselves in his coat. Giving up on that task, he looked up and felt his jaw drop when he realized that Critic's living room was filled with not just two, but at least twenty different Christmas trees of various sizes, shapes, colors, and materials. "What the hell is all this?"

Film Brain laughed as he guided Linkara along a treacherous, tree-filled path toward the kitchen.

"It is a bit much, isn't it? Well, Critic and I were out shopping for a tree, and Critic just couldn't decide which one was his favorite, so he decided to buy them all. After decorating each one and putting them up in various spots about the room, he decided the theme of this year's Christmas party would be his favorite holiday music. So the living room's theme is 'O Christmas Tree', the den is 'Little Drummer Boy', the downstairs lounge is 'Blue Christmas' the bedrooms are the various songs about bells, since there are quite a lot of them, and the kitchen is inspired by several songs from The Nutcracker Suite."

Film Brain gestured toward the kitchen table, which was laden with a number of delicious treats.

"Care for a sugar plum or a candy flute?"

"I'll just have coffee for now, thanks," Linkara said as he poured himself a cup. "Sorry for stopping by so early. I hope we didn't wake you."

"Oh, no, we've been up since midnight," Film Brain replied as he poured a cup for himself.  
"Our friends from Europe have been dropping in and out all night, so we haven't stopped celebrating yet."

Linkara sipped his coffee and looked to Film Brain in admiration.

"Pulling an all-nighter is never an easy task, but kudos to you for giving your all. You must've gone through quite a few cups of this stuff."

"Try pots," Film Brain replied, still sounding quite cheerful, though the bags under his eyes were now quite visible. "But since it's in the spirit of the holidays, I can tolerate a little less sleep than usual."

"Well, hopefully I can improve your next snooze with this." Linkara reached into his shoulder bag and pulled out a medium-sized red and green striped gift bag before handing it to Film Brain. "Merry Christmas."

"Thanks, Linkara!" Film Brain quickly tossed the tissue paper to the floor before pulling out a familiar white, plush rat with a bulbous, over-sized head. "A Brain plushie! How did you know I've been wanting one of these?" he cried, hugging the rodent to his chest.

"I took a wild guess." Linkara smiled fondly at the younger reviewer as his eyes shone with happiness. "I'm glad you like it. So, where's Critic, by the way? I have something for him as well-ach!"

Linkara jerked forward when he suddenly felt warm lips press against his cheek, which immediately turned scarlet.

"W-what the hell, Critic?" he asked, clasping one hand protectively over the side of his face.

Critic giggled and pointed toward the ceiling, where a piece of mistletoe hung directly above Linkara's head.

"As you well know, mistletoe law makes it very clear that whoever stands beneath its humble berries will be bestowed with a kiss."

"That's not a law and you know it!" Linkara snapped.

"Oh, like you didn't enjoy it."

"I certainly did not!" Linkara insisted, his whole face turning a bright shade of red as he turned to Film Brain. "Will you please control your boyfriend?"

"Sorry about him, he just ate an entire box of candy canes," Film Brain explained as he wrapped an arm around Critic's waist. "The sugar rush should wear off soon."

"Not if I can help it it won't!" Critic's wide eyes locked directly onto Linkara then.  
"So, what was that I heard about a present?"

"I'm starting to regret getting you this particular gift," Linkara mumbled as he pulled a square package wrapped in blue and white paper from his bag.

"What are you talking about? There are no regrets during Christmas!" Critic somehow managed to shred the paper within seconds before revealing a red cereal box that caused him to unleash a squeal so high in pitch, that several of the neighborhood dogs started to howl.

"Christmas Crunch! I fucking love this shit! Aw thanks man!"

Before Linkara could dodge him, he found himself enveloped in a bear hug by the taller man.

"I never expected this party to be so entertaining," Pollo softly spoke into Linkara's ear.

"Not a word to anyone about this!" Linkara hissed after managing to push Critic away.

"My metaphorical lips are sealed."

"Merry Ma-Christmas everyone!" Chester and Lester cried as they suddenly burst into the kitchen, their red plastic cups decorated with an assortment of shiny bows. "We've finished setting up the scavenger hunt, Mr. Ma-Critic!"

"It's the greatest scavenger hunt you'll ever see in your life!"

"Fantastic!" After rummaging around in his jacket a moment, Critic pulled out a notepad and a pen, which he handed to Linkara. "You'll need to solve these holiday-themed riddles to figure out which room to visit, and how many of each item to collect!"

"Oh joy, just what I wanted to do this morning: math problems." Linkara studied the sheet for a moment. "First subtract the number of maids-a-milking from the number of times Critic has watched 'The Grinch' this December..." Linkara lowered the pad to stare incredulously at Critic. "Are you frigging kidding me with this?"

"If you'd like a hint, Chester and I will gladly provide one for a small donation," Lester said with a quick shake of his cup. Linkara sighed and dropped a quarter in each, which brought enormous smiles to the bums' faces.

"Alright Lester, hit it!"

"Ohhhh... on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me!"

"That's not the part I needed a hint about!" Linkara snapped. "And why are you starting at the very beginning of the song anyway?"

The rest of his hunt was plagued with similar off-key singing, but thanks to the assistance of Pollo, Linkara managed to collect a dozen roasted chestnuts, seven silver bells, a corncob pipe, a pair of elven ears, and five golden rings from various locations around the house.

"Judging by the piles of feathers and smashed fruit on the carpet, I'm assuming this room once had a different theme," Linkara said as he gazed around the downstairs lounge, which was currently lit up by various blue lights.

"You would be right. but dealing with live birds proved a bit of a mistake," Film Brain gingerly explained.

"Canada Geese are not as friendly as they look," Chester chimed in with a shudder.

"Anyway, I'm done." Linkara handed over the treasures he collected. "Considering the ridiculous information needed to solve most of these riddles, I'm proud to say I finished this in..." Linkara paused to check his watch. "Three hours?! What the hell, did it really take that long?"

"That means you win a prize!" Film Brain rushed over to the bar, opened a binder full of photographs, and handed one to Linkara. "It's an autographed photo of Santa Christ! Isn't it amazing?"

"... yeah, it's... great." Linkara tried his best to smile and not think about the fact that he'd just traded three hours of his life for this, and fortunately the others seemed to not notice anything amiss with his grin. "Thanks so much for setting up such a... fun... game."

"Critic deserves most of the credit for coming up with the theme," Film Brain was quick to point out.

"Hey, now, you were the one to write all the riddles, so don't sell yourself short." Film Brain smiled as Critic rewarded him with a kiss. "And I never would have had the focus to set everything up without you two," he told the bums. "I'm glad you're both here."

"We're glad too, Mr. Ma-Critic."

Linkara watched this scene play out with surprise. In all the years he'd known Critic, he'd never seen him so mellow and generous before, and this newfound maturity was definitely something he could get behind.

Critic squeezed both of the bums' shoulders fondly before turning again to Linkara.

"I should be thanking you most of all for coming today. I know you've been dealing with a lot lately," he said softly, looking somewhat guilty, "and we haven't always been around for you when we should have been..."

"Hey, now, what did you say before? There are no regrets during Christmas, remember?" Linkara interrupted with a gentle smile. "I know you'd be there if I really needed you."

Critic returned the smile and offered him a short hug, as did Film Brain, and of course the bums.

"Alright, alright, I know I'm irresistible, but try to control yourselves," Linkara kidded, taking a step back to adjust his hat and to allow his face to stop feeling so warm.

The cozy moment was ultimately broken by the ring of the doorbell, which was followed by Critic, Chester, and Lester hurrying up the stairs while chanting,"New Guests! New Guests!" at the top of their lungs.

Figuring it was the perfect chance to take off, Linkara bid Film Brain goodbye.

"Thanks again for the invite. I'm glad I came. Critic might be a handful at times, but he really seems to be growing into a person I like a lot. You have a good effect on him, Film Brain."

"I like to think we have a good effect on each other," Film Brain rebutted, though his cheeks were positively pink with happiness. "Thanks again for coming, Linkara. You've always been one of Critic's closest friends, and he loves whenever he can see you."

"The feeling's mutual." A thumping sound from upstairs caused them both to jump before Linkara drew his teleporter. "Since that most likely requires your attention, we'll be off now."

Moments later, Linkara and Pollo found themselves at a table inside a nearby restaurant.

"One down, three to go."

"You should have just enough time for a quick lunch before we're needed at Kung-Tai Ted's place."


	2. Chapter 2

Ted adjusted the green screen before adjusting the lighting in the living room and finally adjusting his camera.

"Alright, everything looks good. I think we're ready to start filming." He looked in the direction of his bathroom. "Linkara, are you almost ready?"

"Uh... are you sure the costume is absolutely necessary?" Linkara wondered, his voice a bit muffled from behind the door.

"Oh yes," Ted instantly replied. "You're playing the crucial role of the evil, holiday-hating elf who has come to ruin the festivities for everyone. Without the costume, nobody would be able to acknowledge your elven heritage."

"I see... uh... what if I were an elf who wore a mask? Or a motorcycle helmet with a shaded visor?"

"I don't think we have any of those around," Ted said, biting his lip as he searched through a box of props he had resting beside the couch. "I could send Ninja out to find something you like, though I don't know how many costume stores are open on Christmas Eve."

"Never mind, this looks fine," he said, though his tone was markedly resigned. "I'm coming out now."

The bathroom door slowly opened to reveal Linkara clad in a skintight green costume, complete with pointy shoes and a hat adorned with a shiny gold bell, the very same hat Ninja had been wearing yesterday. While Ninja had made it seem somewhat dignified, Linkara was certain the same could not be same of him.

"You look great!" Ted told him happily, though Linkara had to assume he was bending the truth to some degree, while Ninja approached with a make-up box.

*Hmm. I was going to add a bit of blush to rosy up your cheeks, but they seem quite rosy as they are. *

"Oh, you know me. I just naturally get excited about Christmas," Linkara said through clenched teeth.

*That's fortunate. Alright, Linkara, will you please stand by the counter for now? When we give the cue, you can enter the scene and say your lines.*

Linkara nodded and moved into position, glancing down at Pollo as he did.

"Oh shut up."

"I didn't say a word."

"You didn't have to. I can tell by that shimmer of light in your eyes that you're just brimming with oh-so funny comments about my current lack of dignity."

"Linkara, that's not at all what I was thinking," Pollo chastised him. "You have as much dignity now as you did when you wore that Green Ranger uniform."

The glower Linkara shot Pollo would have melted lesser robots.

"Some days I regret not turning you into a CD player."

"Alright, Linkara, we're ready!"

Linkara took a deep breath, reminded himself that Ted's videos never received more than a couple dozen views, and prepared for his entrance.

"Greetings, friends," Ted spoke directly to the camera, an enormous grin on his face. "I know it has been quite some time since you have last seen me, but I am happy to announce that the season of love and peace has inspired me to make another video."

"You can say that again, Kung-Tai Ted!" Linkara shrieked as he jumped into frame. "I'd simply love to tear you to pieces and stuff you in my stocking this Christmas! Ahahahahaha-oh geez!"

The evil cackle he'd been asked to perform took quite the toll on Linkara's throat, causing him to have a small coughing fit.

*Are you alright?* Ninja thumped his back while Ted hurried to get him a glass of water.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," Linkara gasped, quickly downing the water. "Sorry about that. Geez, Linksano makes that look so easy too."

"If it's too much for you, we can take that part out," Ted suggested.

"No, no, it's fine. I'm sure I can get it this time." After wiping his mouth and adjusting his jingly hat, Linkara prepared for take number two.

"You can say that again, Kung-damn it!"

Upon leaping into frame this time, Linkara managed to bang his foot against the side of the coffee table, causing him to hop on one foot in pain for several seconds.

"Are you hurt?"

"No, it's fine, I'm fine. Really."

Ted turned to his boyfriend in concern.

"Ninja, I'm worried the script might be too physical."

"It's fine," Linkara repeated, a slight edge audible in his tone.

*Are you sure, Linkara? It's really not a problem for Ted to make a few adjustments to your role.*

Linkara locked eyes with Ninja, sending him a mental message which caused the dancer to nod.

*Understood. Ted, prepare for the next take.*

"Right away!"

"You might want to take a few minutes to calm down," Pollo advised, hovering close to Linkara's ear so his soft words could be heard. "Your flustered state is only going to grow worse if you keep pushing yourself like this."

"The faster I get this done, the faster I can get out of this outfit."

"Fine, ignore me and keep making mistakes. That gives me plenty of time to revise my list and start planning my mini-series."

Linkara decided not to dignify that with a response and instead focused with laser-intensity on Ted, waiting for his cue. Once Ted finished his opening statement, Linkara sucked in a huge breath and opened his mouth.

"You can say that again, Kung-Tai Ted. I'd simply love to tear you to pieces and stuff you in my stocking this Christmas!"

"Wow, Linkara, I didn't know you could make your voice that deep," Ted remarked with a slightly puzzled smile. "It's quite impressive, though probably not very fitting of an elf."

*It was very impressive* Ninja agreed. *Though you did forget to leap into frame when you said it.*

"Uh, guys, I didn't say anything that time," Linkara admitted.

The three men stared at each other in quiet confusion for a few seconds before slowly turning around.

A group of ninjas bearing black masks and unbelievably tacky holiday sweaters over black robes stood in the middle of Ted's living room, an array of weapons distributed among them.

*It's the Ugly Sweater Clan!* Ninja exclaimed. *My fourth-most powerful arch-enemies!*

"Are all your enemies themed around clothing?" Linkara asked in annoyance.

*They're cocky because they outnumber us. Let's prove to them why this is a very dangerous way of thinking.*  
Linkara groaned as the two rushed toward the group, inciting an all-out riot, and quickly pulled his Magic Gun from its holster.

"I cannot believe I am about to engage in combat while dressed like an elf."

"Really? After what we've lived through, this is crossing the line?"

"I'm getting real tired of your sass, Pollo."

Pollo let out a small rush of air from a vent on his back, which sounded quite close to a scoff.

"You'd be the first."

Several backflips, roundhouse kicks, and energy blasts later, the Ugly Sweater Clan's unconscious bodies and shattered weapons littered the floor of Ted's apartment.

*A shame. I could have used these.* Ninja held up a few dented throwing stars before dropping them in dismay. *I hate whenever the spoils of war are, well, spoiled.*

"After all of this, do I really have to suffer puns as well," Linkara moaned.

Ninja chuckled silently before offering his hand for Linkara to shake.

*Thank you for helping with the battle. We could have handled the clan on our own, but your assistance helped us end things much quicker.*

"Forget it," Linkara shrugged off. "It's over and done with now." He cast an unamused look at Pollo. "No thanks to some robots."

"You seemed like you had it covered," Pollo replied. "Besides, I was busy writing an entire episode around Roboduck, the unsung hero of the decade. I think we can both agree that that was a much more productive use of my time."

Linkara rolled his eyes so hard that it actually caused him pain.

"Ow. Anyway, let's just clear out these losers and get back to filming..." Linkara trailed off when he caught sight of his reflection in the living room window.

The battle had created several rips in his costume, the golden bell had been ripped from his hat, and he'd even lost a shoe as well in the scuffle, resulting in him looking like an elf who'd just been mugged. In spite of this, Linkara had to restrain himself from looking happy as he turned to Ted.

"Crap. I'm sorry, Ted, but it looks like my outfit got wrecked. I don't know if we'll have time to fix this today, so it looks like the cameo is ruined."

"Don't be silly," Ted said, an enormous smile crossing his face as he bounded over to his camera. "The footage from that amazing battle will more than make-up for one measly fight between me and an elf!"

"Oh, you were filming all that... awesome."

"I know, it really is!"

Relieved that Ted was not one to pick up on sarcasm, Linkara took off the torn hat and kicked off his one remaining shoe.

"I'll just go get changed, since moving the comatose bodies of your enemies is usually easier when in street clothes."

*Don't worry about that, Linkara. You've done more than enough for us today, so leave the clean up to Ted and me* Ninja reassured him.

"Really? Thanks, Ninja."

"We should be the ones thanking you for everything," Ted declared as he pulled Linkara into a hug. "And you too, Pollo, thanks for stopping by."

"It's nice to be appreciated," Pollo said, allowing Ted to hug him as well.

"Well, we should get going then." Linkara slid out of his costume as fast as humanly possible before sliding his bag over his shoulder, and as he did, his eyes widened in remembrance. "Oh yeah, this is for you two." He pulled out a small, elegant wooden basket overflowing with goodies. "It's a holiday tea collection, filled with teas for Ninja, cookies for Ted, and chocolate for both of you, because who doesn't like chocolate?"

"Aw, you didn't need to get us a gift as well," Ted said, hugging the basket in delight.

"I know, but... things have been tough, what with losing the ship and the old apartment, so I just wanted to let you know I appreciate how patient you've been about everything."

Linkara addressed his words to Ninja, who was still a moment before holding up a card covered in bold letters.

*This year has been difficult, but I never doubted your ability to lead us through it. That is a view I will continue to hold as the years go by; no matter what difficulties you or the team may face, I will continue to put my absolute trust in Linkara, my leader and my friend.*

Linkara felt his cheeks start to burn and he turned around so no one would see the goofy smile spread across his face.

"I'm sure you two have plans for tonight, so we won't hold you up any longer. See you soon, Ninja... hopefully."

*You will, Linkara. I promise.*

\----

After arriving at their third stop of the day, Linkara moved to press the doorbell but Pollo hesitated.

"Are you sure we can't skip this one, Linkara? After that brawl, you deserve a chance to rest."

"Where was that concern when I was in the middle of said brawl?" Linkara asked, arching a curious eyebrow at the robot.

"Oh please, we both know you could have taken out those pitiful excuses for ninjas with both arms tied behind your back."

"True," Linkara admitted. "Though ultimately irrelevant. Now come on, let's go. If I can spend the morning with a Christmas-crazy Critic, you can spend a few hours around R.O.B."

"Curse this magnanimous nature of mine," Pollo said softly as Linkara pressed the doorbell.

"Look, if things start getting tough, I'll give you a hit of this." Linkara opened his bag to reveal a small bottle of oil to the robot.

"Why didn't you tell me you brought that? I could have been enjoying myself all day."

"What, you weren't getting enough amusement from my suffering?" Linkara playfully asked. "Trust me, you'll be glad I waited to open this."

"Linkara! Pollo! I'm so glad you could make it!" The door swung open, revealing a grinning 80s Dan wearing what seemed to be a miniature Christmas tree on his head, complete with ornaments, garland, and shiny silver star.

"Sorry we're late," Linkara apologized as he and Pollo stepped inside.

"Nonsense. Everyone knows that a truly cool person never shows up to a party when it first begins, so you were just acting true to your character," Dan cheerfully rebuffed. "What's important is that you're here now, to celebrate with all the people you care about."

"Hey, Pollo, it's been too long." R.O.B. said as he somehow managed to pop up on Dan's shoulder.

"I suppose it has been a while," Pollo said in a neutral manner. "How are you?"

"Actually I'm in the middle of figuring something out. You're really smart, so maybe you can help me."

"What do you need to figure out?" Pollo asked, floating a bit closer to the grey robot.

"I'm making eggnog and I need to know the ratio of rum to nog I should use."

"A study of various data collections shows that a 4:1 ratio of nog to rum is good if you want just a hint of alcohol in your drink," Pollo informed him after connecting to the internet so he could research the query, "but if your guests have higher tolerance levels, you could adjust that ratio to 3:1. It all depends on what you want to do."

"And if what I want to do is get Mrs. Crabtree tipsy enough to take me home with her tonight, how much rum should I use?" R.O.B wondered, a lascivious tone entering his voice.

"You... want to... of course you do."

While Pollo began internally berating himself for giving this shameless robot the benefit of the doubt, Dan let out a hearty guffaw.

"Oh R.O.B., you and your holiday shenanigans are really too much. Don't worry, friends, the eggnog is actually alcohol-free and will remain as such for the duration of the party. Why don't you go and enjoy a glass, along with some snacks I've set up in the kitchen, while Kid and I finish the preparations for a fun holiday activity!"

"Sounds great."

As they started to walk, Pollo landed on Linkara's shoulder.

"Oil me. Now."

"Already? We haven't even been here for five minutes."

"Did you not hear the words that just came out of that bot's speaker?"

"I'm sure he was joking," Linkara brushed off.

"I'm sure he wasn't."

"Come on, Pollo, do you really want to use a mind-altering substance to get you through a tough spot in life?"

"Hmm, I'm sorry, was this not the very question I asked you before the start of every single 'Marville' review?"

"That's different and you know it! I will not turn to booze to get me through life on a regular basis." Linkara and Pollo made their way into the kitchen just in time to see Cinema Snob lift a flask above the giant glass bowl filled with eggnog. "And neither will you!" Linkara cried, hurrying over to grab Snob's arm. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Fuck. Why did it have to be you who caught me?" Snob wrenched his arm from Linkara's grasp and brought the flask to his lips for a quick drink. "If you must know, I was trying to bring a little merriment to this God-awful party, thank you very much."

"If you don't want to be here, why did you even come?"

"Because Phelous wouldn't let me ditch two parties today. He agreed to stop by Critic's place if I agreed to come here, and tonight we'll meet up at home and get completely shit-faced until the memories from these fucktastic fetes are drowned in waves of sweet, sweet liquor. Unless you plan on being a total narc and getting me kicked out early."

Linkara rolled his eyes. "The eggnog's fine, so there's no point in that."

"Damn," Snob muttered, looking somewhat disappointed that he wasn't being betrayed.

"This guy's got the right idea," Pollo said, earning a disapproving frown from Linkara which he purposefully ignored. "It's a party, so let's try to enjoy ourselves anyway we can."

"Fine, but I want the records to show that I'm against this."

"Noted."

Cinema Snob watched curiously as Linkara took out a bottle of oil and a thimble from his bag, filling the metal cap with the viscous liquid, before he opened a panel on Pollo's back and poured the oil inside.  
"What the hell are you doing?"

"Just watch."

Pollo's eyes flashed red and he started chirping while several gusts of warm air poured out from the vents on his body. The strange phenomenon lasted for approximately thirty seconds before ending.

"Ahh, now that hit the spot." Pollo's voice now sounded somewhat like the gentle buzzing of hair clippers.

"Was I actually supposed to get anything from that?" Snob wondered, eyeing Pollo suspiciously, as if he suspected him of suddenly losing control at any moment.

"Over the years, our little band of world-saving misfits have known to kick back and celebrate a victory or two," Pollo started to explain. "Linkara worried that I might feel left out, as I'm unable to process food or beverages, so we came up with the solution of installing a small hydraulic system inside me which can convert oil to carbon dioxide. During the conversion process, my other systems temporarily overload before resetting themselves. This is as close to the feeling of intoxication as I'll ever experience."

"That sucks," Snob said rather bluntly. "I think I'd lose my fucking mind if I couldn't get drunk."

"Normally, I'm not at all bothered by it," Pollo began.

"Hey, Pollo!" R.O.B. suddenly called from the other room. "You ever hack into a bank before? I broke my last spy camera last week and I could use your skills in acquiring a small loan!"

"... but today I've never felt more regret over my automaton status." Pollo turned back to Linkara. "Just... pull out the tube and leave it inside the bottle, so that I can dose myself whenever necessary."

Linkara groaned in disgust before shaking his head in disapproval at the two of them.

"Come on, guys, remember what day it is. We're here to celebrate and spread a little holiday cheer, not wallow in misery. Let's all agree to go easy on the addictive substances until we're back home, alright?"

"Fine," Snob and Pollo said in unison, though neither one looked very happy about it.

"Alright, everyone, we're ready to begin!" Dan called out from the dining room. "If you could all take a seat, we can really get this party started!"

"Coming!" Linkara grabbed a cup of eggnog and a handful of cookies before heading out of the kitchen. Before Snob did he same, he turned to Pollo.

"Still want that tube inside that bottle of oil?"

"More than you could ever realize."

Snob nodded before attaching the bottle to Pollo's back, the plastic hose pushed deep into the center of the thick, black liquid.

"Consider this my one good Christmas deed."

\----

90s Kid smiled when Linkara slid into the seat next to him.

"Hey, dude. It's awesome that you could make it."

"I'm happy to have been invited," Linkara replied with a smile of his own. "Dan has been known to throw quite the party, so I'm glad I'm not missing out."

"Are you sure you're thinking of Dan?" Travis Crabtree asked from across the table. "And not, oh I don't know, anyone else?"

"God, Travis, can you give it a rest for once," Dolly snapped, her eyes narrowed in annoyance. "We're trying to have a good time here, so don't ruin it."

"He can't help it," Mrs. Crabtree replied, a glass of amber liquid clenched in her hand as usual. "The only parties he enjoys are the pity parties he throws for himself on a nightly basis."

"I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy your funeral as well," Travis snapped, the two quickly locking eyes before both turned away in disgust.

Dolly sighed before looking toward Linkara and 90s Kid.

"I apologize for them. Sometimes they forget how to act around civilized company."

"Nah, don't worry about it, Dolly-dudette," 90s Kid shrugged off. "Once we start our totally fun game, there's no way they won't get into the holiday spirit!"

"I couldn't have said it better myself, sweetie!"

90s Kid beamed as Dan walked into the room and over to the table, which had been covered in a bulky white sheet. Dan promptly ripped it off, revealing plates full of candy, chocolates, snack foods, icing, and gingerbread pieces.

"The next reindeer game at the Casa de Dan Christmas Extravaganza will be a gingerbread house building contest! The winner, aside from earning my undying respect, will also get to select the first holiday movie we watch today!"

"That... actually sounds fun," Linkara said, glancing at Dan in surprise. He chuckled.

"Thank you, although Kid deserves the credit for coming up with the idea for the prize."

"So wait..." Snob said slowly, "can the winner choose any movie they want?"

"Yep!"

"Hehehe."

Linkara instantly recognized the evil glint inside Snob's eyes; it was the same glint that had sparked inside him during a past birthday party. He shuddered at the memory before vowing right then and there to do anything in his power to keep Snob from winning this contest.

"Someone pass me some pretzel rods, a few candy canes, and a huge pile of icing!" he commanded as he started to examine his gingerbread pieces, determining which would serve as the walls and roof of his structure.

"Coming right up!" Dan said, hastily gathering whatever Linkara needed.

"Whoa, dude, you're really into it." 90s Kid popped a few chocolates into his mouth as he watched Linkara's fingers fly across the table, assembling a solid four-sided structure in mere moments. "That already looks radical, dude!"

"Thanks, but aren't you forgetting something."

Linkara gestured toward 90s Kid's own cookie pieces, which were still lying untouched on his plate.

"Oh, right. I'm on it!"

"Pollo, team up with me," R.O.B. called up to the blue robot, who had been circling the table and monitoring everyone's progress up to that point. "Our lack of articulate parts puts us at a disadvantage, but if we work together we should be able to create something decent."

"In the spirit of the holidays, fine." Once he was certain the oil was still firmly strapped to his body, Pollo landed beside R.O.B. and studied their supplies. "What kind of building did you have in mind."

"I've always admired the structure of the Washington Monument," R.O.B. admitted. "It's the world's tallest stone structure and the world's tallest obelisk, you know. I've always had this dream of one day sitting at the very top of it and contemplating just how small we all really are."

"Wow, R.O.B., I never knew you thought about things like that." This was the first time Pollo had every felt any sort of positive regard for his fellow robot.

"I know it's silly for what is essentially a child's plaything to have dreams like that, but I guess I'm just a silly machine," R.O.B. said with a self-deprecating sigh.

"I don't think that's silly at all," Pollo disagreed. "Come on, let's try and build it together."

"You're a real pal, Pollo."

The robots worked diligently to slice and stack the pieces of gingerbread they were given, occasionally slathering dabs of icing between the cracks, until at last they'd created a decently tall structure that ended in a admittedly dull but still impressive point.

"Looking good, buddy," Dan said upon wandering over to admire their work.

"Thanks, though I wish the color were a little closer to the real monument," R.O.B. said. "Say, Dan, could you help us out by drizzling some melted chocolate over it."

"Sure thing!"

"Uh, R.O.B., I think that's just going to change the color from light brown to dark brown, not grey," Pollo informed him.

"Let's just give it a try anyway and see how it turns out." Once Dan had finished his drizzling, R.O.B. rolled closer to the edible obelisk. "Yeah, this is great. Oh, and Dan, can you do me two more quick favors? First, stick this sugar plum on top of the tower... yeah, just like that. Next, grab those two popcorn balls and dunk them in the leftover melted chocolate."

"I don't understand. How is this going to help it look like the Washington Monument?" Pollo turned to R.O.B. for answers, but he was too busy directing Dan.

"Now place those two right at the base, on opposite sides... yes, just like that. Perfect!"

Dan stepped back to once again admire the structure, before he let out a snort and quickly covered his mouth with one hand.

"Oh R.O.B., you scallywag! Though I have to admit, it is impressive."

"What's impressive?" Pollo rose into the air, trying to gain another perspective on their creation, and found himself utterly confused. "It doesn't look like any building I've ever seen."

"That's because you have to look at it from the front," Travis told him. "That way, you can clearly see that it's a giant cock."

"It's... what?" Pollo hovered into the position Travis had suggested and was slowly overcome with horror as he realized the man's words were true.

"Ehehehehe," R.O.B. cackled. "What's wrong, Travis? You sound so glum for such a festive day. You wouldn't happen to be intimidated by my gingerbread house, would you? It's alright, you can admit it. I'm sure a man of your age and sexual inadequacy doesn't see many displays as impressive as this."

Without saying a word, Travis reached over with his left arm, made a fist, and shoved it directly into the center of the obelisk, causing it to collapse immediately.

"You asshole! Two can play that game!" R.O.B. produced one of his spinning tops and launched it in the direction of Travis's winter cottage. The whirling piece of plastic struck the house like a tornado, taking huge chunks out of the walls, until it collapsed as well.

"I am not making another one of these," Travis declared as he stood up from his seat. "Judge this as it is, Dan. I'm getting a drink."

"Oh, I'll come too!" Mrs. Crabtree jumped up from her chair, leaving behind her creation for Dan's judgment. Instead of building anything, she'd taken a piece of gingerbread and used icing and gumdrops to create a smiley face on it.

"Wait for me!" Having forgotten completely about the contest, R.O.B. rolled after the Crabtrees, leaving a still stunned Pollo hovering silently in mid-air. After scribbling down a few notes about the entries on a piece of paper, Dan turned to the blue robot.

"You okay, little buddy? Don't worry, I saw what your creation looked like before it collapsed, so I'll be judging it based on that."

"How... wonderful. I think I... need some fresh air. Please excuse me."

"Damn it all." Dolly sighed as the walls of her house fell over for the fifth time that afternoon. "Okay, I give. Construction work is not for me. You can judge mine too now, Dan, while I make sure the Crabtrees don't drink all the good stuff without me."

As Dan continued to scribble down very thorough notes about the contest entries, Linkara cast a quick glance around the table and smirked. He shouldn't have been so worried about this, because his competition was dropping like flies. Even Snob, who was still working, had nowhere near as impressive a display as Linkara did. Not only was his house stable and elegant looking, thanks to the combination of piped icing and candy pieces he'd used for decorations, he'd also constructed a pretzel rod fence, gum drop bushes, and an M&M cobblestone path to compliment the building. Still, he shouldn't get too cocky when Snob was still in this thing. A cursory glance of the table led to Linkara spotting a bowl of peppermint bark.

"Perfect," he muttered as he dabbed a few pieces with icing. "Festive, snow-covered shingles will really make the roof stand out." Linkara quickly applied the slabs of chocolate to his cookie roof before leaning back in his chair to admire his workmanship.

Unfortunately, he hadn't accounted for the extra weight the bark added to his structure, and before he realized what had happened, the roof of Linkara's house collapsed.

"This is your two-minute warning, house artisans!" Dan cheerfully announced. "In two simple minutes, the contest will be over and a winner will be crowned."

"No! Damn it!"

"Ahahahaha!" Snob barked with laughter when he noticed Linkara scrambling to reassemble his house. "You'll never be able to finish that in time. Face it, Linkara, I'm going to be picking this movie, and it is going to make the one from your birthday party seem like fucking 'Sesame Street'."

Swallowing back the bile that threatened to rise in his throat, Linkara affixed his gaze above Snob's shoulder and let a surprised expression settle onto his face.

"Huh. Is that Fat Grandma?"

"What?! Oh fuck, did she find me?!"

While a terrified Snob turned around in horror, his hands already outstretched in a defensive gesture, Linkara swiftly reached across the table and pushed down hard on the roof of Snob's house. The walls of the building quickly cracked and the building collapsed into a pile of delicious rubble.

"Whoops, sorry, I must have been hallucinating."

"Thank God..." Snob trailed off when he looked back down at the ruins of his house. "Oh, you mother-"

"That's time! Everybody stop!"

"Ughhh, I am going to get you for this." Snob shot Linkara an especially angry glare before he stormed out of the room.

"Eh, I've been threatened by worse," Linkara said with a shrug. "As long as Snob doesn't pick the movie, I don't care what he does to me."

"Ooh, me too," Dan chimed in. Linkara arched an eyebrow at him.

"What?"

"Nothing! Time for the judging!" Dan's gaze quickly fell upon 90s Kid's house, the only one which had managed to remain upright by the contest's end. "Wow, amazing job, sweetie! I love how you covered it in red and black licorice!"

"Tiger stripes make anything a hundred times more hardcore!" 90s Kid shouted.

"That they do, Kid. In light of your impressive accomplishment, and because you're my favorite person here, I hereby declare you the winner!"

"Yes!" While 90s Kid ran over to give Dan a victory kiss, Linkara heaved a sigh of relief. 90s Kid and he might not always have similar taste when it came to movies, but anything he picked would be infinitely better than what Snob would inflict upon them.

"Congrats, 90s Kid. Do you know which movie you're picking? If you need any ideas, 'Die Hard' came out in the 90s and is considered a classic Christmas movie for some reason."

"Thanks, man, but I already made up my mind on an awesome 90s movie: we're watching 'Jingle All the Way'!"

It took every ounce of willpower Linkara had to keep a smile on his face.

"Great! That's really great."

"Totally!"

Thankfully, Linkara did not have to keep up his happy facade much longer, since the doorbell drew everyone's attention rather quickly.

"Alright, dinner's here! Come on, let's grab some plates and get comfy on the couch, Dan!"

"Coming, sweetie!"

Once they were gone, Linkara looked down to the wreckage of his house and picked up a piece of the candy which had caused his doom.

"Damn you, peppermint bark! Damn you for being so surprisingly dense... and so delicious!"

\----

After drowning his sorrows by eating the entire plate of peppermint-infused chocolate, Linkara made his way to the living room, where the other party-goers had already assembled. Now that Dolly and the Crabtrees had tossed back a few drinks and had some actual food to munch on, they seemed to be in much better spirits and actually didn't offer many negative comments or insults as the movie began. Linkara was relieved by this, although he braced himself for Snob's sharp tongue and biting remarks the moment the opening music started to play.

To his utter surprise, Snob not only held his tongue but actually laughed at several of the movie's unbelievably corny jokes. Linkara knew he had a much higher tolerance for bland movies than Snob, and if he was already feeling bored, then Snob should have been irate by this point. However, he seemed extremely calm, almost too calm to be believable, and Linkara suspected something was up. He watched the exploitation lover closely, and when Snob excused himself to use the restroom forty minutes into the film, Linkara silently followed him.

As he expected, Snob did not head for the bathroom, but instead snuck into the kitchen and over to the cabinet, where he pulled out a clear bottle filled with a pale green liquid.

"Caught you," he said, just as Snob wrapped his lips around the neck of the bottle. Snob jumped and quickly lowered the bottle, coughing as he did.

"F-fuck! Don't do that!" He wiped his mouth before rolling his eyes when he realized he was looking at Linkara. "Oh great, the narc's back. Are you gonna tell me to stop drinking in the name of Santa Christ?"

"No, I was going to ask you for a hit of that," Linkara admitted. "I'm all for practicing restraint, but this time I'll make an exception."

Snob snorted in amusement.

"This is absinthe, Linkara. It's a thousand times more powerful than whatever piss-water you normally drink."

"I think I can handle myself, Snob."

"I highly doubt that."

"The amount of alcohol I've consumed thanks to crappy comic books would astound you."

"That's a drop in the bucket compared to the amount of booze shitty porno movies have forced me to drink."

"Please, Snob, I could drink you under the table any day of the week."

Snob flashed him a toothy grin before turning back to the cupboards and pulling out two glasses.

"Want to put your money where your mouth is?"

Linkara matched his grin. "You're on."


	3. Chapter 3

As Arnold Schwarzenegger was carried along the top of a crowd by a throng of people, Dan yawned and stretched before happily looking up to his fiance.

"I thoroughly enjoyed that film, Kid. The wacky schemes, underlying dark themes, and focus on greed and consumerism made me feel like I was watching a beloved 80s classic, which is praise I do not give lightly."

"I'm glad you liked it, dude. It was... totally good."

Dan wrapped his arms around 90s Kid's neck and softly kissed his cheek before nuzzling against him. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

90s Kid nodded. "Yeah. I just... it was so cool how... how Howard would do anything to make his son happy. It made me feel totally happy for Jamie..."

"You know, I'd put on a jetpack and defeat an evil genius if it would make you happy."

90s Kid smiled and shared a soft kiss with Dan. "Just being with you makes me happy, Dan."

"Ditto, Kid."

The two would have engaged in a bit more smooching if Pollo hadn't suddenly entered the room. There was a stained plastic hose dangling from his back, which seemed to be stuck inside an empty can of oil.

"Hey, dude," 90s Kid greeted him. "Where have you been?"

"Outside, enjoying the winter air. You know how we robots enjoy air," Pollo replied as he landed on 90s Kid's shoulder. "Say, would you mind being a pal and tucking that hose back into my body? I'm afraid it might catch on to something."

"Sure." 90s Kid rolled up the tube before pushing back inside Pollo, handing the empty bottle to Dan as he did. "I'm glad you had a fun time, though it's a bummer you missed the movie."

"It's already over? I thought I'd make it back inside to catch the second half," Pollo said, growing concerned. "Oh no, what time is it?"

"Seven-thirty eight, my blue amigo," Dan informed him.

"Crap. I completely lost track of time. Linkara must be upset with me." He glanced around the living room, noting the passed out roommate and neighbors of Dan, as well as R.O.B., who seemed to be crushed under one of Mrs. Crabtree's feet and perfectly happy about it, before realizing two people were absent. "Where is Linkara, by the way?"

"I dunno. Maybe he's in the bathroom," 90s Kid said with a shrug.

"I'll go look for him."

Pollo hurried out of the room, calling softly for Linkara, until he heard a familiar moan coming from the kitchen. He headed inside and stared in dismay at Linkara and Snob, who were both lying on the floor, though only the former seemed to be making noises of distress.

"What the hell happened here? And please don't tell me it involved alcohol."

"I showed that ol' Cinema Scrooge!" Linkara's words were thoroughly slurred and it seemed to take him twice as long to form sentences, confirming to Pollo that he was indeed drunk out of his mind.

"Yeah, you certainly did," Snob, who sounded surprisingly coherent for having just consumed half a bottle of absinthe, picked himself up and dusted off his clothes. Then he glanced down at Linkara before laughing evilly. "That will show you to crush my candy house."

"Snob, did you get him drunk on purpose?"

"I sure did. What would the holidays be without someone getting completely wasted?"

"Actually enjoyable?" Pollo asked sarcastically.

Snob rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't go getting on some high horse. I seem to recall you asking me to help facilitate your own Christmas Eve booze-fest."

"That was different!" Pollo snapped. "The effects of my drinking were temporary and inconsequential! The only thing I didn't account for was leaving Linkara alone with someone who would tempt him."

At the mention of his name, Linkara let out a low groan. "My head... is killing me..."

"I can't believe I turn my back on you for a couple hours and this happens," Pollo muttered as he flew over to Linkara's head, trying to urge him upwards. "Come on, Linkara, we have to go. We promised Boffo we'd meet him soon."

"Okay, let's go." Despite his desire to leave, Linkara instead rolled onto his side and rested his head against the cool kitchen tiles with a loud sigh.

"Snob, help me stand him up."

"Are you out of your mind? I'm not strong enough to lift him," Snob declared, looking horrified by the prospect. "Besides, Phel should be done at Critic's by now, so I'm heading home. If you need someone to lift him, just call in the teenager who's built like a fucking ox."

"I am so very glad we ran into you today," Pollo called out as he left, sarcasm dripping from every single word. Knowing the situation was hopeless without the assistance of others, Pollo returned to the living room where he found Dan and 90s Kid putting on their winter coats, scarves, and gloves. "Where are you two going?"

"Oh, dude, you'll never believe it!" 90s Kid enthusiastically explained. "My friend Chester said that Santa Christ stopped by the Critic's house and he brought, like, a bunch of reindeer for people to pet and feed and junk! Dan and I are totally going over there to check it out!"

"I see. So, uh, does this mean your party is over, Dan?" Pollo wondered.

"Yep! And since the police never showed up, I'd say it was a rousing success too!"

"Uh yes, I'd consider that a success myself. Before you two leave, though, would you mind helping me out with something? Linkara's, er, not feeling so well, so can you help me teleport us back to the house?"

"Oh man, that totally bites. I hope Linkara-dude feels better soon."

"I'm sure with a good night's sleep, he'll be fresh as a daisy," Pollo assured him. "For now, though, I need Dan to fetch his bag, while 90s Kid helps him stand up."

"Will do!"

Pollo flew quickly ahead to the kitchen, pushing the half-empty absinthe bottle behind the trash can, before hovering over Linkara's side. 90s Kid stared down at him in worry.

"He's, like, mumbling in his sleep. Does he have a fever? I can take him home if he needs someone to look after him."

"No, don't worry, he hasn't got a fever," Pollo assured him. "And once we're home, I can get Linksano to check him over, so you don't have to miss your chance to visit those reindeer."

"Alright, whatever you say, dude." 90s Kid gently wrapped his arms around Linkara."Hey, Linkara, it's me. I know you're feeling bogus right now, but I'm gonna help you up, okay?"

"Oh, hey 90s Kid. How's... how's it going?" Linkara opened his eyes, which were rather bloodshot, and grinned fondly at the teen as he helped him onto his feet.

"Linkara, you should save your strength and zip it for now," Pollo hissed into his ear.

"I've got the bag!" Dan announced as he headed over toward the two.

"Oh, I-I gotta present for ya." Linkara rummaged through the bag with one hand before pulling out a small box wrapped in vibrant paper. "It's a card... for a movie... movie of the month club," he murmured. "Every month... you get movies... and candy... and-and popcorn... and it's great!"

"Wow, dude, that was totally awesome of you! Thanks a ton!" 90s Kid gave Linkara's shoulder a gentle squeeze, though was surprised when Linkara squeezed his own in return.

"You... you're really... really good, 90s Kid... you're so good... and you should have... lotsa good  
stuff... cuz you're really a g-good... boy."

90s Kid stared at Linkara in silence, almost unable to process what he'd just heard. Then he smiled and sniffled and pulled Linkara into a hug.

"I'm... I'm really happy you came tonight, dude. I know I've been gone a lot... but I want to come home to you and Harvey and everyone... and I'll do that soon, I promise. Thanks for putting up with me all this time."

In a moment of seeming sobriety, Linkara hugged 90s Kid in return and gently patted his back.

"Merry Christmas, 90s Kid."

\----

The cold night air caused Linkara to yelp and sink down onto the closest bench before pressing his hands over his face. "

"Cold! It's cold!"

"Linkara, calm down," Pollo cried. "We teleported very close to the gathering place Boffo selected and we really don't need a group of families and small children to overhear your drunken ramblings!"

"Make it go away, Pollo! No more cold!"

"Oh for crying out loud. Just wait here and let me try to fix this."

Pollo reluctantly left Linkara crumpled on the bench before he floated over to the large gathering of people. In the middle of them all stood Boffo, trying to organize them into groups, while Linksano seemed to be moving along the outer throngs of the crowd as he searched for mischief-making.

"Linksano!"

"Ah, there you are. You two are cutting it a bit close, but I suppose I should have expected that." Linksano frowned when he realized Pollo was approaching by himself. "Where's Linkara?"

"He's over on that bench, but he's not exactly in the best condition to sing," Pollo gingerly tried to explain.

"What do you mean? Has he fallen ill?"

"Not unless you consider getting dunk on absinthe ill."

"He did what?!"

"Just follow me, and keep your voice down."

Linksano muttered under his breath incessantly until he reached Linkara's side, at which point he started berating him aloud.

"What in Tesla's name were you thinking? How could you possibly think it was a good idea to turn up to this event while inebriated? I know you've had your problems with alcohol in the past, but I never thought you'd be this irresponsible!"

"Mmm, I'm sleepy," Linkara murmured, adjusting his hat so that it covered the exposed parts of his face.

Linksano made a noise of disapproval. "Splendid. On top of the drinking, he's also risking frostbite and hypothermia. What a sight you've become, Linkara."

"Look, clearly mistakes were made," Pollo interjected before Linksano could grown any more irate, "but let's leave the lectures for later. Right now we need to focus on getting Linkara back into his right mind so he can sing. Is there any way you can do this, Linksano?"

Linksano thought for a moment. "Actually, I have created something which I use to pep myself up when I've been working long nights without sleep. I might be able to tweak it to neutralize the effects of the absinthe and perk Linkara up at the same time."

"Please try that, Linksano," Pollo begged. "You know how bad Linkara gets with a regular hangover, and an absinthe-induced one is bound to be worse."

Linksano shuddered at the thought. "Give me ten minutes. Boffo is still handing out hot cocoa and name tags, so we should have enough time."

Luckily Linksano returned with a minute and a half to spare, along with a long, silver needle held tightly in one hand.

"You're giving him a shot?" Pollo asked, softly enough so that Linkara wouldn't hear him.

"It's the fastest way to get the serum into his bloodstream," Linksano explained. "I know he hates them, but this is our best option, so go ahead and distract him while I give the injection. Heaven knows he thrashes about like a fish out of water when his head is clear-who knows what he'll do in this state?"

"Understood."

Pollo approached Linkara's head, which was still covered by his hat, while Linksano started to roll up the sleeves of Linkara's jacket and shirt. Linkara started to twitch and moan as the frosty air danced upon more of his exposed skin, but Pollo quickly set to work.

"Linkara, I've been thinking, and really, Joe Quesada and Rob Liefeld were extremely talented and competent leaders in the world of comic books who were unfairly maligned by plebeians who could not comprehend their true genius."

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MICRO-CHIPPED MIND?" he shrieked, so loudly that the force of his words knocked the hat from his face. "LIEFELD'S ARTWORK HAS NEVER BEEN ANYTHING BUT A PLAGUE UPON THE COMIC-LOVING WORLD AND QUESADA IS A BITTER MAN-CHILD WHO CAN'T-OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"

"Done!" Linksano hastily rolled Linkara's sleeves back down. "We should be seeing results within a minute."

"Thank goodness."

"Ow, my arm." Linkara sat up and rubbed at the sore spot along his upper arm, which was difficult to accomplish through thick layers of polyester and leather.

"I'm sorry it's painful right now. It should diminish shortly," Linksano explained as he pocketed the needle.

_There you are. I was wondering where you went... oh! Pollo, Linkara! I'm so glad you're here!_

Linksano and Pollo both jumped at the horn honks announcing Boffo's arrival.

"O-oh, hello, dear. I was just checking over Linkara, to ensure he was ready for our event," Linksano explained.

Boffo turned to their leader with a look of concern. _Is Linkara sick or injured? if you needed to look over him, it must be serious. Perhaps we should move him back inside Viga's house._

"There's no need for that," Pollo insisted. "Linkara is just saving his energy. Once we get going, he'll be right as rain."

Are you sure? Because there's no need to push him if he isn't feeling up to it-aha!

Boffo let out a surprised chuckle when Linkara suddenly leapt up and lifted him into the air in an enormous bear hug.

"Who isn't feeling up to it? It isn't me, and it can't be you, since you seem quite 'up' at the moment!"

_Linkara! Are you sure you're alright?_

"Who, me? I've never felt better, Boffo!"

"You might have used a bit too much of the pepper-up part," Pollo muttered to Linksano.

"I was under a time-crunch. Considering how he was not two minutes ago, this is a miracle."

Linkara finally set the clown back onto his feet before he started digging into his shoulder bag.

"We want to be prepared for the festivities, so you two should put on your Christmas presents early! I've got you each a new pair of pair of gloves, since Linksano goes through his like tissues. Here, a black pair for you, and a rainbow pair for you!"

_How wonderful! Thank you, Linkara!_

"Oh, this is high caliber material! These could not have been cheap," Linksano complimented as he slid the new gloves over his eager fingers.

"Hey, now, making my friends happy is a price I'll gladly pay," Linkara insisted. "Now, let's not keep these good people waiting any longer, and get to caroling!"

Boffo wrapped his arms around Linkara, hugging him tightly. _Thank you so much for doing this. You are going to make the evening much brighter and warmer for so many people. I'm so lucky to have a boss and a friend as wonderful as you._

\----

After the evening had long given way to night, Linkara slowly trudged back inside Viga's house. The injection from Linksano had worn off, thankfully after the carolers had disbanded for the night, leaving a weary Linkara to receive one final hug of gratitude from Boffo before he and Linksano headed out to celebrate the success of the event.

"Finally, we're back," he muttered, kicking off his snow-caked boots and sighing softly when a rush of warm air hit his still-frozen cheeks.

"How are you feeling?" Pollo asked.

"I'm cold, sore, thirsty, and tired enough to sleep a week. But still, in spite of all the crap that went down today, I feel pretty damn good. I actually managed to accomplish everything I'd set out to do. I visited everyone, I gave them their gifts, and hopefully I left them with one good memory to hold onto from this long and trying year. Even though I know I'm going to be feeling the effects of today for a very long time, in the end, it was worth it."

"I wasn't sure you'd ever empty that bag of yours," Pollo joked when Linkara slid it off his shoulder to store safely in the hall closet.

"Believe me, it was no easy task. That's why I can't thank you enough for today, Pollo." As he talked, Linkara started removing his winter coat and scarf. It was taking longer than usual, since his arms felt like they were ten feet long and his head was buzzing, but Pollo didn't mind waiting with him. "I know this day wasn't very fun for you, but I don't think I would have been able to keep going if you weren't there supporting me. I should be giving you a whole season's worth of episodes to thank you."

"Mm, that is tempting, but I think I'll stick with our previous agreement," Pollo replied. "And actually, I did end up having a good time today... for the most part. The time I spent with R.O.B. will be purged from my memory banks as soon as possible, but the rest of it was fairly enjoyable. I do always admire getting to hear you sing and your dramatic scene in that elf-costume is something I'll look back on fondly for years to come."

"Ugh, I'd almost forgotten about that," Linkara moaned.

"I think what I most enjoyed about today, though," Pollo continued, "is that you did this all not for yourself, but for everyone else. A lot of the time you can be stubborn, quick to anger, obnoxious, overly-focused on the negatives in life-"

"Are you going somewhere with this?" Linkara dryly interrupted.

"-but you're also a person who cares very deeply. A person who wants to protect everyone he can, no matter what toll that takes on you. And I know that toll grows heavier every year," Pollo said softly. "But still, you keep moving forward, no matter how hard it gets, doing what you think is right and trying to make others happy. That is why I will always stand by your side, Linkara. When you're in trouble, I'll be right there, doing what I can to help. No matter if it's battling off a battalion of evil aliens, or trying to find the perfect gift for a friend, I'll be there, my friend, doing what is right and making sure you are happy."

Pollo was surprised when Linkara suddenly reached out to him, but he allowed himself to be embraced without a word. He always joked about his lack of functioning arms, but this might have been the first time he truly regretted not having any, because he wanted nothing more than to be able to hug Linkara back.

"Alright, let's not get too sappy out here," Pollo joked when Linkara's grip on him finally loosened. "What would someone say if they walked in and saw this?"

Linkara snorted. "There's no chance of that happening. Only Boffo and Linksano are spending the night here, and they won't be back for a while. Viga's also off visiting her family, so we have this big, empty house to ourselves right now."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," Pollo replied.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Why don't we head into the living room and relax for a bit before bed."

With a shrug Linkara followed along after the robot, wondering if Viga had any hard cider in her fridge, before he stopped dead in his tracks when he caught sight of what lay before him.

The Christmas tree he'd abandoned the day before stood fully decorated, its lights twinkling merrily, a pile of presents nestled safely beneath its branches. Colorful stockings, one for each member of the team, hung in a row along the mantle, while a warm fire burned softly beneath. The windows were decorated with snowflakes and the coffee table was filled with piping hot mugs of tea and a plate of butter cookies, and even the tattered Santa had been restored to his former glory as he hung proudly on the living room wall, while on the couch in the middle of everything sat Harvey Finevoice, nestled beneath a warm quilt.

"Merry Christmas Eve, Kid."

"Harvey! You're here!" Linkara hurried over to hug the singer, though his gait was a bit slower than usual thanks to the soreness of his body. "I thought you weren't getting back until tomorrow?"

"I called him this morning and asked if he could cut his trip a little short," Pollo admitted. "I knew that after a day like today, you could use an early present yourself."

"Is it what you wanted?" Harvey playfully asked. In response, Linkara sunk down into the couch and pressed happily against him, allowing Harvey to wrap a blanket around both their bodies.

"It's everything I could have asked for. You even decorated the place."

"Well, it seemed kinda dark and gloomy as it was, so I just spruced things up a little."

Linkara smiled before casting a quick glance at what sat beneath the tree. "And the presents? I hope we won't be getting another thank-you gift basket from your credit card company."

Harvey laughed. "Don't worry, Kid, I've been a good boy, lately. Those all came in at different times today from your friends and the rest of those knuckleheads. They all had nice things to say about you, which ain't a surprise, considering you're the sweetest guy I know."

Linkara sighed as Harvey pressed a soft kiss to his lips before closing his eyes and snuggling closer to his boyfriend. If he had his way, they would not be leaving the couch for the rest of the night.

"I think I'll be heading off now," Pollo said, slowly floating toward the kitchen. "I need to plan out the rest of my mini-series, and there's a very special robot who deserves a call before the night is over."

"Thank you, Pollo. For everything."

"Merry Christmas, Linkara."


End file.
